WEDNESDAY AUGUST 16

I woke up this morning again worrying that Matthew and Jean maybe dead. I went in the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. I told myself, you are creating unnecessary stress in your mind. The reason you can’t find Matthew most likely has something to do with this pregnancy. You have to stop this. You don’t need unnecessary stress in your life. I thought about jumping to the monastery and back. I looked down at my stomach which was getting bigger everyday. I thought what if I got there and couldn’t get back. What if it caused a miscarriage? I promised the doctor and Scott I wouldn’t jump. I need to just stop this and focus on what Matthew would want me to do. Take care of the baby we are going to have. If he is alive that is what he would want me to do and if he is not, that is still what he would want me to do. I need to clear my mind. I am unnecessarily driving myself crazy. I need a hug. I opened the door and Serena was not there. She was still in the hospital. I went and sat on the bed next to Mom. This woke her up. I said, Mom could you give me a hug. I really need one. She had opened her eyes and smiled. She sat up and hugged me. She said, I love you, the kids love you, everyone I know loves you, so why do you need a hug this morning? I said, I woke up worrying about Matthew. She said, in the passed many times Matthew would go on a mission and I would not hear anything for weeks. I would drive myself crazy worrying if he was dead and then one day he would just show up. I understand what you are going through. After a couple of years I learned not to drive myself crazy. Matthew will show up. God, he might walk in this morning and you have tortured yourself for no reason. You have a great surprise for him, so focus on taking care of the new surprise and he will be very happy when he comes back. I kissed Mom on the cheek and said, you are right. The only thing I should be worried about is taking care of my pregnancy. Mom said, good. It’s time to get up so I am going to go pee and start getting ready to go out to the pool. I got up and smiled at her. I said, thanks.

We were at the table talking and waiting for breakfast when Scott showed up with Serena. They sat down across from Josh and Megan. Serena felt really good this morning and had a bag the doctor gave her. We asked what was in the bag, so she started taking things out to show us. Crackers, ginger cookies, ginger candy, apple sauce, chamomile tea, Tums, plastic bags to throw-up in that were colored so you couldn’t see what was in them and other things. Serena said, the doctor told me to try these things for morning sickness and if they don’t work come over and see her right away. Serena was so happy she wasn’t sick this morning. They brought her a bowl of oak meal, boiled eggs and other things that would not upset her stomach. Everyone else was happy for her also. After she ate, Scott put his arm around her back at her waist and asked her how she was feeling. She said, good. Scott said, if you start feeling sick let me know. I am going to be a godparent. I am very excited about that. We want to head it off if we can. She smiled and said, yes. After breakfast Serena turn her attention back to the baby. She liked taking care of him and felt it would make her a good mother. Scott turned his attention back to Hunter which made her very happy. About a hour later I was sitting at the table reading a book when a package showed up. I sat next to Mom while she opened it and it was the harness I wanted to try. Mom took it out of the package and looked at it. She handed it to me and said, I think you wear it under your clothes but, stand up and let’s see if it is going to fit. I put my arms through the arm holes. Mom pulled it under my stomach and then turned me around to get to the clasp. She fastened it and then turned me around adjusting it under my stomach. Mom said, there how does that feel? I said, it actually feels better. Mom said, good. It is washable so you can take it in the pool. I smiled. I was happy to get rid of the pain from the weight of the baby pulling on my stomach. I could walk better also. I went swimming later and showed it to Serena. I thought this baby isn’t due until Christmas. At this rate I will not be able to walk at all in the sixth month.