2/10/2019
What’s not working? I can’t say anything is working. I am not getting along with anyone in the house, at school or in a relationship. At school, there are four people in my group project. One wants to be boss and SHE doesn’t know what SHE is doing. She made some changes to the program without consulting two of us in the group and now nothing works. She didn’t back up anything before she did it so all that work is lost. Maybe you have worked with someone like that. At the house, someone let Marget back in. I told you her name was DeeDee but most of the time she says her name is Margret. The police pick her up one day and fingerprinted her. Then said her name was Rosa something. She came with a cleaning woman from California claiming the woman was her mother and that she was 16. The police said she was 26. Well, she gets people killed. That is one reason I put all those locks and cameras on the house was to keep people like her out. How can you call that a safe house when god knows who is walking in and out. Its suppose to look like a regular house in a neighborhood but I don’t think so. David has been gone for three weeks now. I really don’t think he is coming back. Last Monday the army showed it. Eight guys from a base nearby. The one in charge was named Jess. I came into the kitchen on Tuesday morning at about 4 am. He was working on the computer. I sat down at the table and we talked for a while. They were there because a General didn’t like the way things were going on the program. I haven’t worked since David left and I don’t really feel good. When I would talk about David a tear would come down. He took my hand and kissed it. Said he asked to be assigned to this operation because he had been following me for a while. He said, “don’t worry you will find someone you really like.” I responded, “ I know. I shouldn’t let these things bother me. Doing this job keeps me from finding someone I could have a long term relationship with, so I keep telling myself I am just lonely. He said,” I know how you feel. My job that’s me all over the world and doesn’t give me the chance to establish a solid relationship with a woman. If I meet someone and we hit it off, then I am off somewhere else.” “Makes it hard sometimes.” He got up from the table and poured himself some more coffee. I got up and said, “I better go and let you get back to your work.” Some more tears started coming down. He put his cup on the table and came up to me. My back was against the wall. He looked me in the eyes and said, don’t cry you are just suffering from loneliness. I smiled a little and said, I know.” You really aren’t missing David.” He responded, “I know. I don’t know what has gotten into me, to act like this.” He wiped a tear from my cheek. Put his hand under my chin raising my head up and started kissing me. It was almost 5 am and I was like a cat in heat. When he kissed me I immediately wanted him. He looked to be in his early 40s and in great shape. His tongue felt really good. Then he put one hand under my blouse and fondling my breast. By then I had forgotten where I was and wasn’t thinking about anything but how I wanted him. He was fingering my right nibble. He then slowly slid his right hand down my pants and between my legs. I felt so good. It had been three-plus weeks since I was with David and I really miss the contact comfort I had with him. Ok, sex. Yes, we had good sex. I think Jess was lost at where he was also. He was rubbing my colitis and not really putting his fingers inside me. He would rub it, take it with three fingers, pull on it and then rub it again. Then rub his fingers across it and almost put his finger inside my vagina. I was totally lost. His tongue down my throat, his hand on my breast and his other hand between my legs, I came. He stopped and looked at me. I think he was surprised. It had only been at 2 minutes or less and I came. It felt really good. He said, “You came?” I said, “Yes, I guess I did and it felt really good.” He smiled. He was really happy. We heard a bathroom door. He backed up a little. He said, “See you just need a little affection to make you feel better.” I said, “Yes, yes, thank you. I do feel better.” I went off to the bedroom and shut the door. I felt much better. Had completely forgotten about David. Maybe all I was missing was contact comfort from David and not really David. I have heard when people get divorced and wake in the morning with an empty bed it is hard to deal with. I think I only took up with David because I was missing Jeff. David told Marguerite that I called him Jeff in my sleep one night and that it really made him mad. I felt bad because I really liked him but I don’t know how to control what I say while I am sleeping. Jeff and I had a really great relationship for about a year and half. I still miss him terribly. He would tell me I was his soul mate and he loved me more than life itself. How can a relationship that great go wrong. I don’t think I will ever get over him.