I was dreaming Matthew was making love to me but when I came it was so weak and unfulfilling that it woke me up. I open my eyes and I had my fingers in my vagina. I looked at the kids and they were sound asleep. I listened for Mom and she was snoring. I miss Matthew so much. I miss everything about him. I long for husband to come back. I wanted to cry because I can find people. I can hear them especially Matthew because we have this connection but when I try to find him its dead silence. That scares the shit out of me because the only thing I can think is he is dead. Every time, my life is going well something happens but never actually believed he would not come back. It was supposed to be a stupid class not a life or death mission. I better get up before I break out into a full force wailing. I got up and went to the bathroom. I put water on my face and I pulled myself together. I went and sat in the chair next to Hunter’s bed. I couldn’t go back to sleep. The rest of the day was good. Scott stayed away from me and after lunch went to see Carlson. I think Scott is worried I will say something about that woman. Its 48 days
MONDAY AUGUST 21 49 DAYS Today was very mellow. I wasn’t happy but wasn’t sad. I was sick and had trouble eating all my food. I think the baby is pushing on my stomach so there isn’t as much room. When I went to bed I slept well.
TUESDAY AUGUST 22 50 DAYS Same as yesterday. I am trying not to think to much because it just tortures me. If we could just hear some news it would help. Scott keeps going and having meetings with Carlson about how that woman got in and how to make sure it never happens again.
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 23 51 DAYS Went to sleep last night and woke up 2 hours later so sick to my stomach. Couldn’t throw up, so I ate Tums and suffered. Must be something I ate. My calf’s were killing me. I think it is due to the extra weight. I took some Tylenol and was able to go back to sleep.
THURSDAY AUGUST 24 52 DAYS Hunter’s one year birthday is August 30 which is a Wednesday. The kids start school next week and the next weekend is a holiday so Scott wants to have her birthday party on Sunday. Everyone talked about it at breakfast and think that it is a great idea.