Monday went really well. I had made out a schedule. Do this and do that at this time.
TUESDAY APRIL 11 Things went really well again on Tuesday. Daniela came running with me and then again to the gym in the afternoon. I hardly saw Matthew. The baby would wake me up in the middle of the night and Matthew would hand me the baby. He hadn’t been coming to meals so at night was the only time I saw him. While taking a shower at the gym I really started missing Matthew. I was remembering the great contact comfort we had in the gym. This kept eating at me. Finally when I was getting dressed I sat down and had a talk with myself. I told myself Matthew can not come running anytime 24/7 that I get a itch. Matthew has a lot of stress working to take care of me and the kids to make sure we are taken care of and are safe. I am here to support him and take care of his needs so I need to stop this. I think what my problem is that I am following this schedule and not taking my free time to really enjoy the kids. My kids are not going to be small forever and I need to enjoy them. So I went back to Mom’s room. After I took care of the baby I spent time holding, kissing and loving the baby. I also played with Hunter and let her touch the baby. I told her this was her little brother and she thought this was her baby. That was ok. I could see she loves Wyatt also.
WEDUESDAY APRIL 12
The baby woke me up at 11:30pm Tuesday night. I took care of the baby and put in back in Matthew’s shirt on Matthew’s chest. I went to the bathroom and while washing my hands Matthew came in. He put his hands around my waist and started kissing me on the neck. Matthew said, I have missed you so much. He turned me around and was all over me. He went down there raising one of my legs up and started licking my clitoris. It was really hard to be quite. I had to bit my tongue. Finally he came up and put himself inside me. I had been missing him so much and it felt so good. I came in like a minute and he came too. It was so good. We both had this smile on our face. He gave me a big kiss like he didn’t want to go back to bed but then he said I guess we should go back to bed. I said, yes we should. We cleaned ourselves up and quietly got back in bed.
At 4am the baby woke us up. Matthew gave me the baby to take care of and went in the bathroom. After I took care of the baby I went in the bathroom and Matthew was almost ready to go. He smelled really good. He put his arms around my waist and started kissing me on the neck. Matthew said, were you ok with earlier. I replied, More than ok. I have really been missing you. Matthew said with a big smile, so you only want me for sex. I almost laughed, No I love you and miss you. Matthew said, why didn’t you say something. I replied, Because you are not here to take care of every urge or fancy I have. You are busy working to support your family and make sure we are safe. I am here to support you and take of your needs. He just looked at me and then said, ok but you can let me know if you need something. What do you think about going back to our room for a night or two and see how we do? I replied, You mean us and the kids. Matthew said, yes. To see if we are ready and if Mom is ready. I said, ok. Sounds good. Matthew said, I will talk to Mom and see if we could try tonight. I said, Ok. I did ok the other night you and I were there. Matthew said, Ok. I am going to work and will try to make it to meals if I can. He kissed me and said I love you. I said, I loved you too and went back to bed.
THURSDAY APRIL 13 We went back to our room and everything seem fine. The baby woke me up at 4am and I opened one eye. Matthew wasn’t there but Cindy was sitting in the chair. I got up and went around the bed to take care of the baby without waking Hunter. I said to Cindy, Why are you here? Cindy replied, Matthew was worried about leaving you alone and he just wanted me here incase you needed something. I said, Thankyou for coming over so early. Cindy said, No problem. I always want to help if I can. Matthew had Amy go stay with Mom. He didn’t want her to be all alone. I said, That great. Waking up alone in her room after we have been there so long would be a big adjustment. When I finished taking care of the baby I went back to sleep.
FRIDAY APRIL 14 The baby woke me up at 11:30pm and Matthew handed me the baby. I took care of the baby like always. I put the little guy back in Matthew’s shirt and went back to sleep. I woke at 3:30am and just laid there looking a Matthew. I was remembering when we were in the room alone the week before and how we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Matthew opened his eyes and looked at me. Matthew said, what are you doing? I replied with a twinkle in my eye, just looking at you. Matthew said, are you having one of those urgers? I said with a big smile yes. Matthew got up and put the baby in his bed. Then he put Hunter in her bed. He crawled back into bed between my legs. He started rubbing against me. Then kissing me on the neck. I was starting to get really excited. Soon he put his self inside of me. He went up and down about 4 times. I was starting to loose myself when he pulled himself out and said, I can’t do this. I was shocked. The room started going around. If he said anything else I didn’t here it. All the time he made love to me he seemed to really like it. I was in shock. I said, What? He relied, I am going to take a shower and get ready for work. I thought he doesn’t love me any more. What is wrong with me. I was sick to my stomach. It was as if I lost something or something broke. I wanted to cry. I said, What? He said, I am going to go take a shower and go to work. He just looked at me. I said, I can’t do this either. I am taking the kids and go to Mom’s. I quickly got dressed as he sat on the bed. I wrapped the baby in a blanket in one hand and picked up asleep Hunter in the other hand and headed for the door. Hunter was trying to wake up to see what was happening. I got to the door and I said to Matthew could you open the door my hands are full. Matthew said, you don’t have to do this. We can talk about it. I said, we did talk about. Matthew looked confused. Please open the door? Matthew opened the door and I went down stairs to Mom’s. I guess he got dressed and went to work. When I got to Mom’s door I tried to kick it as to knock. Amy opened the door. I went in and Mom set up in bed. I said, Can we stay with you? Mom said, fine. Are you ok? Biting my lips I said, Yes. Amy sat in the chair and I handed her the baby and I put Hunter on the bed with Mom. Mom said, couldn’t Cindy come and help you. I now was passing back and forth at the end of the bed. Something had broke inside. My mind was racing. Was Matthew having an affair? Why did he tell me to tell him when I was interest in sex, if he didn’t want to have sex? Maybe he didn’t love me any more? Why didn’t he just say go back to sleep? What just happened? I said to Mom, I didn’t call her. Matthew and I were talking and we had a disagreement. I don’t think Matthew loves me any more. Mom said, That’s silly. Matthew loves you very much. Come sit on the bed. I sat on the bed and Mom hugged me with her free left hand. Then she turned to Amy and said, Could you call Cindy and tell her where the kids are. Ask her to bring the baby’s bed and some diapers. Amy got up and handed me the baby and called Cindy. Mom moved to the bed where Amy was sleeping and told me to lay down and go back to sleep. I laid down but couldn’t sleep. Shortly Cindy showed up. The baby started crying so I took care of the baby. Amy went back to her room, Cindy sat in the chair and after I took care of the baby I put him in his bed and went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom Mom’s phone rang and Matthew was asking Mom if I was ok. Mom explained Cindy was there and everyone was getting back to sleep. She told Matthew I was upset about something and would be fine. I got back in bed laying on my side facing Hunter. She is so beautiful. I tried to go to sleep and not wake her. I would fall asleep for a few minutes and then wake up again. I was hard to even close my eyes with all the negative thoughts racing around my mind. I kept trying because I didn’t want to wake Hunter. Finally Mom got up and went into the bathroom to get read for breakfast. I sat on the edge of the with my head in my hands. Soon the baby woke and I picked him up out of his bed and started feeding him like I aways did before breakfast. Not long after that Hunter woke and sat up and just looked around. You could see she was confused about how she got there. We finally all got ready for breakfast and went to breakfast. At breakfast I was squirming in my chair when Matthew showed up. Matthew said, Daniela called him and wanted to know why I didn’t go running. I replied, I completely forgot. Hunter started her daddy daddy and Matthew put her on his lap. I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t eat. I sat most of the time with my head in my hands. Finally Matthew handed Hunter to Mom. He took my hand and said lets go. I shook my head no. Matthew said, I need to talk to you. I got up and he led me to the office. I leaned against the desk. I was rocking back and forth. Matthew said, I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I said, ok let’s go back. Matthew said, Do you forgive me? I said, sure. Let’s go back. Matthew replied, I don’t think you believe me. I was rocking and looking side to side like a caged animal. I replied, Why did you tell me to tell you if I was interested if you didn’t want to do anything? Matthew said, I thought I did. Something just wasn’t right. I was worried about something at work couldn’t get it off my mine. I should have told you what was wrong. I replied, Don’t you love me anymore? Are you having an affair? Matthew said, I love you very much and No I am not having an affair. Please for give me. There was something that just wasn’t right inside of me. I was on top of the world one minute and now I was in this hole in a matter of seconds. I replied, Ok, I forgive you. Can we go back now? Matthew hugged me, kissed me on my forehead and said, Ok let’s go back. We went back and sat down. I couldn’t get right. Something inside of me just wasn’t right. Matthew had never done that. It took me by surprise and messed me up. I was in this hole and couldn’t get out. After breakfast I went to Mom’s room and went to sleep with the baby. When the baby would cry I would take care of him. He was getting bigger and was looking good. That sparked happiness inside of me. Mom came in and woke me up at lunch to go to lunch and I told her I wasn’t hungry and went back to sleep.
Mom said later that Matthew came to lunch to check on me and Daniela came by because I didn’t go to class and she was worried. I told Mom I was fine just needed to get some sleep.
At dinner time Matthew showed to get me for dinner. He had planed a dinner out at the pool. I didn’t want to go but Matthew insisted. He said I had to eat. He was going to put the baby on a bottle if I didn’t eat because he didn’t want me starving our son. I hadn’t thought about that. So I got dressed. Matthew took my hand, carried the baby and we went to the pool area. Everyone was already there. It was really nice outside. Matthew had a bed for Wyatt and a high chair for Hunter. I looked at the high chair and thought good luck on get her in the high chair. Matthew wanted to go swimming and wanted me to go. He handed the baby to Mom and handed me a towel and bathing suit. There are these little dressing rooms out by the pool and he pointed to one. I went in one and Matthew in another. We came out ready to go swimming. He took my hand, lead me to the stairs and into the pool. I sat on the steps and he swam back and forth. I was feeling a little better but couldn’t muster up energy to swim. After a while Matthew came up to me and said who is this beautiful women on the steps of the pool? He took my hand and pulled me into the pool next to him. He started walking out into the pool. When I couldn’t touch the bottom I put my hands on his shoulders and he put his hands around my waist. He was saying I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Other things like, Oh you have a ring on our finger. That guy must be really lucky. I couldn’t help but smile. Matthew went on. If I take you away from him is going to be upset. I shook my head and said, yes. I smiled and said, Yes very much. He would come looking for me. Matthew said, So I would have fight on my hands. I replied, I am sure you would. Matthew said, what would he do if I kissed you. I said, Oh boy he wouldn’t like that. Matthew said, I don’t know if I can bear to give you back. We both laughed a little. Matthew looked up and they were bring dinner. He said, ready to eat and I said, yes. Matthew took me to the steps, lead me out of the pool, put a towel around me and lead me to our seats. I looked at my food and it looked really good. My stomach had calmed down and I thought I could eat something. Hunter had to sit on daddy’s lap. I was sitting there staring at my plate when Matthew said to Hunter, Let’s give mommy a bite. Matthew cut a piece of meat with my fork and put it up to my mouth. I had been staring at my plate and forgot to start eating. Hunter really like that and she wanted Matthew to do it again. So I gave Matthew the fork and let him do it again. After that I told Hunter I was a big girl and could feed myself. I eat everything on my plate. She shook her head no. I took a spoon and feed her a spoon of her food. When I went to feed her another spoon she didn’t want it. She pushed it away. She want me to eat it. Matthew picked up my fork and feed me another piece of food. Hunter laughed. It made Matthew and I laugh. Matthew picked up Hunters spoon and feed her again. Then he picked up fork and feed me again and again Hunter laughed. Her laughter was contagious. Everyone was laughing. I picked up Matthews fork and fed him a piece of meat. Hunter stopped laughing and looked at both of us. Then she reached for Matthews fork. She wanted me to feed Matthew again. I said, but it is your turn. She shook her head no. So I feed Matthew another piece of meat and she was happy with that. I said to her, we better eat now because our food is getting cold. I started eating my food. Matthew fed Hunter another spoon full of food which she ate but when the second spoon came she pushed it away and pointed at Matthew fork, so Matthew ate a bite of his food. One bit for Hunter and one bit for Matthew. This went on until Hunter was full. I felt so much better. After we ate there was this music and Matthew wanted to dance. He took my hand and we danced in an area near the table. It was slow dance music so Matthew held me close. He would whisper in my ear that he loved me more and anything. That I was his whole world and that he thanked god everyday for bringing me into his life. I felt so loved in his arms and was starting to recover for the shock of the other day. When the music stopped he give me this really long loving kiss. After desert Matthew said to me, I have to go to work for a couple of hours and then I am going back to our room. It would be nice if you and the kids would join me. I looked at him with this wanting to but didn’t know if I could. I replied, If I am feeling up to it I will other wise I will be at Mom’s. He took my hand kissed it, put it against his cheek and said, Ok. I love you. He then got up and went back to work. Mom, Amy and Cindy went swimming and I watched the kids. Afterward we went back to Mom’s room. Cindy asked if I was staying in Mom’s room tonight. I thought I feel better. When Hunter was laughing I forgot about everything and when I was dancing I forgot about everything but there is still this emptiness, this num feeling. Matthew was trying really hard. But, I didn’t have that feeling of wanting to be all over Matthew. I was wondering where did it go and how do I get it back? I replied, No I am staying with Mom tonight. Maybe tomorrow.