Matthew woke me at 4am with kisses. Matthew said, “Snow White your prince is here.” I opened my eyes with a smile almost a laugh. I looked into his eyes and was thinking I really missed you. He put his arms around me and said, “I missed you so much.” He started kissing me on the forehead, nose and then on the mouth. He then put his tongue in my mouth and started rubbing my breast with his hand. I then knew I was in for something really good. He had that hunger, wanted to please me because he loved me and missed me. Then kissed my chin and down my neck until he reached my breast. His hand had moved to my thigh. I then was gone. I was in that trance world that there was no one in the world but the us. He was all over me that morning he even was down there licking my colitis. I was out of my mind with pleasure. I heard him say a couple of times I love you so much. When I came my eyes rolled back in my head. I didn’t know where I was except heaven. After the love making he rolled over and pulled me over on his shoulder. Not like he usually did. My head was on his shoulder and I was looking at the ceiling. He turn his face to me and said, “How are you feeling?” I turned my face to him and replied, “Right now fantastic.” We were looking at each other and he asked more questions about how I felt while he was gone. Then the big question came, “Tell me about the guy you put in my car while I was gone.” I said, “Well that. I was sleeping and woke up hearing some praying. I finally got back to sleep when this guy woke me up again. He was praying like he was going to die. Telling God he was sorry for anything he had done and if he got out of there he was going to do better. A better father, better husband, a better person. Like that. I shut my eyes and listened trying to figure out who it was. It wasn’t you. Was it Steve? And where was this guy and why was he praying.” Matthew was listening very intently. He turn to me and said, “And then what happened?” I said, ” I jumped. I was in this dungeon like were dark room and the praying man was there. He had been beaten and was chained to the wall. I unchained him and told him let’s get out of here.” I though I was coming back here but instead I landed next to a car. For some reason I knew it was your car. I put him in the car and came back home. I cleaned up and went back to sleep.” Matthew said, “How did you feel physical and mentally?” I said, “Fine, if I didn’t have to clean up because my clothes were dirty I could have gone right back to sleep because he was not praying and keeping me awake.” Matthew said, “What if I told you that while I was gone not to do that? Could you not do it?” I looked at him and thought. Then said, ” I don’t know.” Matthew then said, “What if I told you to go get someone right now and bring them back. Could you do that?” I again replied, “I don’t know that either. I didn’t plan to jump it just happened when I was listening to his voice.” He then said, “Do you quivery in side and need to hold my hand like last time?” I said, “No, not this time. I’m fine.” Matthew sat up turned around in bed and crossed his legs. He was looking at me and was very upset. He started half way yelling at me. He started, “I love you very much. I am trying to be a good husband and I want to be a good father. How can I go to work with you doing shit like this? If I go to work and all I am doing is worrying about you and the baby, I don’t have my mind on my work and that could get myself killed. What are you going to do about this? I want it stopped now.” I said, “Yes, you right. I am sorry.” Matthew came back, “Sorry, sorry isn’t good enough. I can’t trust you. It breaks my heart but I can’t have a wife I can’t trust. Do you want me to divorce you and take our baby.” I said, “Your right. I shouldn’t be doing this, its wrong. Why would you take the baby?” Matthew’s voice went up another notch, “My God, why do you think? You are putting our child in danger. Every time you do this our child is in danger. What if jumping is harming the child. What if someone had caught you and hurt you and the child? What if you had lost the child?” Matthew’s eyes watered up and he turned his lips in and angrily said, What if I had lost both of you? I couldn’t live with that. You have to stop and you have to stop now.” Everything he was saving was true. I have got to find a way to stop it. Now he was really mad and said, “Well, what at you going to do?” I wanted to cry because I had failed him as a wife and now I was failing as a mother. I wasn’t considering how this was going to effect the baby. My eyes started to water. I said, “I am going to stop right now. I am going to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I am going to be a good wife and a good mother.” Matthew came back with anger, “Your dam right or you are going to make me do things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to loose you but I will be God dammed if I am going to loose my child. So I want you to look me in the eye and tell me this will never happen again.” I looked at him and said, “I am sorry, so sorry down to the bottom of my soul and I will never do it again.” Matthew said, “OK, that is what I wanted to hear. I am going to hold you to your word.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek and reached for his phone. He called Amy and told her, he needed her to watch me after breakfast because he had meetings to go to. Also he was going to have a security meetings every day and he would need her to cover those times. He also said to her that next time I disappeared she was to call him immediately. He got up and went and took a shower leaving me in bed to think about what he had just said. After he got dressed he called Amy and told her he was ready to go. She came in and Matthew left. He left without saying another word to me or even looking at me.
He didn’t come to bed that night and the next time he did come to bed after that he didn’t wake me up in the mornings. He just got up took his shower and left not saying a word to me. He was gone all day leaving before I got up and coming to bed after I went to sleep. Any and Cindy started sharing the time Amy was supposed to watch me. Then one morning he came to breakfast. I was sitting near the end of the table near mom. He kissed me on the cheek and sat down. His mom was really glad to see him and he was telling her he had brought back another person to add to security. That he had been working on getting him settled in. That the guy was doing great and he thought he had made a good choice. I didn’t say a word. I thought it was a good thing to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t want to say anything else that might damage our relationship more. After breakfast he was gone as quick as he had come. Mom noticed there was something that wasn’t right between to two of us. Another week went by and it was the same as last week. Either Amy or Cindy was by my side. I tried to eat healthy and got lots of exercise. It was hard to read or watch tv. I couldn’t keep my mind on anything. Amy was taking all my readings and keeping a very thorough journal. She told me I was gaining weight and the baby was getting bigger just like everything was supposed to. I was happy about that but found it hard to be happy about anything else.
One morning I woke up, he was kissing my forehead and moving my hair out my face causing me to wake up. He just looked at me for a minute and then got up with out saying anything.
At breakfast one morning mom notice I wasn’t happy and asked me how Matthew was? She said she hadn’t seen much of him lately. I said, “I think he is fine. I haven’t seen much of him either.” She asked if everything was fine between the two of us. I said, “Well, I broke his trust and he is very unhappy with me.” She stopped eating and said, “What, did you sleep with someone else?” I was shocked and my eyes got really big. I said, “Oh, God no, I would never do that. I love Matthew very much.” She said, “I am glad to hear that. What ever it is I am sure you to can straighten it out and everything will be fine.” I wanted to smile but couldn’t get much of a smile out. Matthew didn’t come to bed for nights after that. I think three to four weeks when by and I didn’t see him at all. Mom started spending more time with me so I started thinking Matthew must be working. Matthew’s mom was really great and I started forgetting my problems. We were having a great time together. Playing cards, Chest, watching movies, looking a magazines about being pregnant and raising kids. We went swimming and she starting coming to the gym saying she was getting fat. She was anything but fat.
She said she wished Matthew was around more and didn’t have to work. She said she missed seeing him. I didn’t say anything. My heart ached at night when my bed was empty. I wondered if he would ever for give me. Matthew, Steve and the new computer hacker Gary had gotten to be really good friends. I didn’t see them around so I thought maybe they were working somewhere together. It had been at least a month when I woke in the middle of the night. I turned over and there was Matthew in bed. He had his eyes closed and I thought he must be sleeping. All I could do was just lay there and look at him. I was afraid to close my eyes because I thought he might disappear. After a few minutes he opened one eye looking at me. He said, “What are you doing? I said, Just looking at you. I have missed you very much.” He reached over under me and pulled me over onto his shoulder so my head was on his chest. He said, “Go back to sleep.” I shut my eyes and I could hear his heart beating. It was such a beautiful sound and made me feel so good and loved. I fell back asleep.
He woke me up around 4am with love, kisses and such wonderful love making. He spent some time talking to the baby and kissing my stomach. It was so great. I missed him so much and was hopping this meant he had forgiven me.
He called Amy and he told her he didn’t need her today. He called the kitchen and asked them to send breakfast up to us. We laid around in bed looking at baby books and talking about what we should name the baby all morning. I told Matthew it felt like a boy but didn’t know for sure until I ask the doctor. We choice a boys name. Wyatt. So it would be Matthew Wyatt. Matthew was going to ask his mom at diner what she though. Matthew called the kitchen and asked for lunch because he didn’t want to get up yet. He made love to me three times that day. I thought he must be trying to make up for being gone. In the after noon he wanted to go to the gym. So we went to the gym, hot tub, showered and dressed for dinner with his mom. At dinner with his mom he told her the name we had picked out and she really like it. He held my hand most of the day. We watched a movie in the living room and sat round talking to his mom until bed time. We went up stairs, got ready and went to bed. He pulled me over onto his chest with his arm around me. I could hear his heart beating and fell asleep. I couldn’t ask for a better day. I was so happy and felt so loved.