I woke up this morning and saw Scott’s smiling face. He was sitting in the chair. He had changed clothes and I could smell him from the hospital bed. He must have just come from a shower. He saw me open my eyes and came to the bed. He kissed me on my forehead and said, How is my beautiful love doing today. I said, I feel really good and am ready to go home. He said, it shouldn’t be too long before the doctor comes in. When she did come in she said, everything looked good and if Dr. Walton says everything looks good I could go home after dinner. I thought that was great. I was tired of staying in bed now that I was feeling good. Scott had breakfast with me and then went to work. Dr. Walton came in after lunch and we talked about the environment he was sending me back to. He said, he was going to talk to Mom and tell her, I needed a stress free environment. I said, I felt like I could deal with any problems now. I told him I had started missing Matthew and it messed me up. He asked about my possibly of jumping and I said, no. I had not thought about jumping. Scott came after work and we had dinner together. The nurse came in and said the doctor had released me and I could go home. She got me all disconnected from every thing and I went in the bathroom, peed and got dressed. I sat on the bed and Scott got a wheel chair. When he came back he kissed me and said, This is really hard giving you back to Mom. Would you call me if you have a problem? I said, yes. He handed me my phone and said, he was on speed dial. He also put that song(500 miles) and said, if you are missing me you can play it. He put me in the chair and we went to Mom’s. Mom answered the door when Scott knocked on it. Mom said to me, I am so glad you are feeling better. Scott said, I don’t want to go. If you need anything at all call me. I went to bed. I didn’t sleep all day because I wanted to be able to sleep tonight. Scott sat in the lobby and talked to Paul awhile. Conner came out of his room and saw the two sitting there. They saw him upstairs watching them. He soon went back to his room and then Scott went home. His new post was giving Scott a lot of time to work on his paper for school. He was happy about that.
SATURSDAY OCTOBER 28 I didn’t talk to Conner. At meals I ate and took care of the kids. They seem to be glad I was back. Scott would text me once in a while and tell me he was working on his paper and how much he missed me. He said he asked for Monday and Wednesday off in change for working weekends. I was looking forward to seeing him.
SUNDAY OCTOBER 29 I was still feeling good and eating well. At lunch Conner said, Can I come sit by you. I said, no. I am fine with the kids. He didn’t look too happy. After lunch he was wheeling me to the family room. Every one had gone around the corner. He stood in front of me, put both hands on the arm rest and looked me in the face. He said, I don’t know what you are trying to pull but I read all the reports about you. How you are very strong. You have saved a lot of people and completed many missions. I show up and you are acting like a sick, helpless, and love struck woman. I don’t by it. I looked at him and said, I agree. I don’t like being sick and having to stay in this chair but I do what to deliver two health children. They are Matthews you know. He said, it makes me wonder if they are really Matthew’s because of the way you have been carrying on with Scott. I said, you can put your mind at ease they are Matthews. You might want to asked a women who has had twins how it effected her. Mom stuck her head around the corner and said, everything ok? Conner said, yes. I was just adjusting her foot rest.
MONDAY OCTOBER 30
I woke up and Connor was rubbing my hand. I looked and him and said what are you doing? He said, you were moaning and I thought massaging your hand might help. I came because I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn’t have said that to you. It’s just this situation is not what I expected to see when I showed up. I didn’t know you had not been told about Matthew’s wishes. I smiled really big and started crying. Connor said, what are you crying about? I said, they are moving around and I am just very emotional. Do you want to feel them? He said, can I? I pushed down the bed covers to below my stomach and pulled up my night shirt to expose my big stomach. I took his hand and put it on my stomach. His eyes got big and said, I feel them. He saw a little hand push on the inside of my skin. He smiled really big and said, I just saw a little hand. He was smiling ear to ear and then I thought he was going to cry. I said, what are you so upset about? He said, I was thinking how happy I was when my boys were born. I said, I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t wait to tell Matthew. He would put Wyatt on his chest at night to sleep so Wyatt could hear his heart beating. He put his hand up to his face. I thought he was going to cry. I said, are you ok? He said, I just miss my wife so much. I said, I didn’t mean to upset you. I know how you feel. It’s hard for me to believe Matthew is gone. He gained composure and said, the reason Matthew only want Scott to guard you was Scott doesn’t have the ability to protect you like I do. After high school Matthew and I went on a lot of missions together. Then when I married my wife he came and helped me set of my business. He helped me pick a team and plan some missions. I also had to have him come and save me a few times. So Scott has not learned what I have learned about protecting your home and family. Scott should have not taken advantage of your bad situation. I said, Scott has been very good to me and I do love him. He said, I know and I believe he loves you. You needed someone to lean on and he helped with that. But now it is time for you to think about protecting your children and you home. Matthew was a great husband and that is why he called me. He didn’t want anything to happen to his family. He stopped talking and then said, Can you get up to get dressed to go to breakfast. I said, I think I can. If I put my hands under my stomach will you help me in the chair. Conner smiled and said, sure. I got dressed and we went to breakfast. At the table on Mom’s left was Wyatt, Conner, Me, Hunter, Cindy and Amy. Paul and Scott were not there. I didn’t look at Conner while we were eating. Hunter kept leaving way forward in her high chair and looking at Conner with this frown. Her nose would come up and her forehead down. You could tell she was saying in her head, who is that? Where is daddy? Daniela looked at Scott with this look of wondering what was up? The rest of the day was very quite. I went back to Mom’s room several times and slept. Most the day was eating and sleeping. I went to see the Dr. Walton. I told him I was depressed about not being able to see Scott. The Dr. asked if I understood why Matthew picked Conner? I said, yes. Getting closer to deliver I am thinking more about Matthew. Scott helped me not think of him as much. I also am starting to really miss Scott. The Dr. said, try to talk to Conner and if you can try leaning on him. I asked the Dr. if Scott took advance of my situation? The Dr. said, he may of, but not on purpose. I believe he loves you. It is common for guards to fall in love with the person they are guarding and you were leaning on him because you lost Matthew. I still loved Scott and missed seeing Scott’s smiling face when I would wake up. He texted me he loved me several times during the day and also that he was working on his paper. When he would text I wondered if I did this to him?