Around a little passed 3am I started dreaming that I was back on the doctors bed sedated. I couldn’t open my eyes but I could hear the doctors. I wanted to yell but couldn’t yell. I finally woke up. I was so sick and my breathing was ha, ha, ha. I tried to get off the bed to the bathroom. I made it around the end of the bed to Matthew’s side when my legs gave out. I kind of slid to the floor and set up against the bed. Matthew set up with the baby and whispered are you ok. I shook my head no. He carefully placed the baby between two pillows. He ask what was wrong. I said while still going ha, ha, ha, could get me a wet wash rag for my head I’m so hot. He quickly got one from the bathroom and I put it on my forehead. He whispered can I do anything else? I could use some ice. He quickly went to the kitchen and returned with a cup of ice. I rubbed one on my forehead and then stuck it in my mouth. I took another one rubbed my forehead and stuck it in my wash cloth and returned it to my forehead. I felt so hot, but started to stop the ha, ha, ha, breathing. Matthew got down on his knees and asked how I was doing. I told him I was doing better. He asked what was wrong and trying not to cry I said I had a nightmare. What about he replied. I was trying really hard not to cry and told him I was dreaming I was back with those doctor and they had me sedated enough so I could yell for help. Matthew sat next to me. Put his arm around me pulling me into his arms. Kissing me on my head, my face and saying I didn’t have to worry I was safe now. He was never going to let anything happen to me or the kids. I was breathing fine now but still wanted to cry. Matthew asked if this had happened before and I said No. First time. Matthew put his hand under my chin and raised my head until he could look in my eyes. He said I love you very much. You are safe with me. Do you believe me? I tried to smile and said yes. He said do you want to go back to bed? I said, not yet. He said, sit there until you feel better I will be right back. He went outside the door and called the women doctor at the clinic. I heard him telling her I had a bad dream. The doctor asked if this had happened before and he told the doctor I said no. She said it’s only been a few weeks since she came back. This happens to a lot of vets. Flash backs, bad dreams and PTSD. Matthew said maybe I have been leaving her alone to much. I have been working a lot. The doctor said this can happen whether or not you are there. You should send her to the clinic this morning and I will check her out. Matthew replied, Thankyou I will send her over. Matthew hung up and came back in the room. Mom was getting me up from the floor. Now that I was feeling better she wanted to move me to the chair. I was feeling much better but was thinking that I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks. Matthew asked how was doing. I replied much better and was sorry I worried him. He put one hand on each side of the chair and looking me in the face said, has this ever happened before? I replied, No. I have been doing really well. He said, do you think I am leaving you alone too much. It hasn’t been that long since you came back. I replied, I don’t think that caused it. I really don’t know what cause it. He looked me in my eyes and asked, Do you really believe I love you? I was looking at him and think he is so wonderful. I replied with a smile, yes. He stood up. Mom was standing next to him. He said, I want to know if this happens again or anything like this. Ok. I shook my head yes and said yes. He then said, I talked to the doctor and she wants you to come to the clinic later today so she can check you out. I said, Ok I’ll do that. Matthew said, can you go back to bed? I replied, I am going to go to the bathroom and then I think I can go back to bed. I stood up. Matthew said, If everything is ok with you I am going to go to work. I said, that’s fine. I am fine now. Matthew gave me a kiss and Mom said to him, don’t worry I will take good care of her. He looked at mom and said, thanks Mom. He got dressed and went to work. As I was going back to bed the baby started crying. It was that time. After I took care of the baby I went back to sleep. I decided not to go running but but to stay with Mom and the kids until after breakfast. I slept good until Hunter woke me up, letting me know it was time to get up. She is so cute. She kept putting her finger on my nose and pushing it. I looked at her thinking God she’s wonderful. I felt good but something was off. The nightmare had run me though the ringer. I guess it is going to take a couple hours to get back to normal. I really don’t want that to happen again. I kept thinking what could have caused it. I was feeling great. Nothing had happened to cause it. I didn’t eat anything different. In fact I felt like I was on top of the world.
When we went to breakfast Matthew showed up to see how I was doing. I was doing good and told him I was going to meet Jean at 9:30 and then go to the medical clinic. We had a great breakfast. Matthew had asked the staff if they could put some of Hunter’s food on his plate so she would think it was his. She was so happy when she got to eat with her dad. Wyatt was looking good and gaining weight everyday. Things were great. At 9:30 I meet with Jean. He asked how I was doing. Matthew had told him I had an episode last night and to check me out. We sat in the grass with our legs crossed and talk about what I wanted and needed. I told him I wanted to be able to defend myself and I also was looking for dual Samurai Swords Katanas fighting instruction. He said we were going to do mixed martial arts training starting with Muay Thai and Jiu-Jitsu. He said he would need to get equipment for everything. He wanted to do martial arts on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Sword fighting on Tuesday and Wednesday and maybe Saturday. Today he wanted to work on meditating. He said it will help with flash backs. He said I am most likely going to have more so I should meditate everyday. He say he wanted me to pick a word. Like a safe word and say it over and over before I go to sleep and if I find myself having a flash back to try to control it and pull out of it with the word. Jean said, you need to control them and they will stop. Several words went through my head and then I said CONTROL. Jean said, ok before you go to sleep say CONTROL a hundred times to yourself. After instruction on meditation he said, meditate once aday, say your word at night and come back tomorrow at 9:30 am. He also said it was going to get hard. Really hard and he didn’t want me not show up but, talk to him and tell him if I didn’t want to do it anymore. He said, this path is hard and I needed to be sure you want to do it. I agreed to be honest with him and let him know what was going on with me.
I went to the clinic. while sitting there waiting I was thinking of the movie karate kid. I am a grasshopper. I was in a really good mood after meditating. I had shook off that bad off feeling from this morning. The doctor took some blood, checked me over and asked a lot of questions. She said there is meds for this but with breast feeding the baby she only wanted to give them to me if the problem got really bad. She said come back if it happens again.
Matthew showed at lunch and asked how everything when with Jean? I told him Jean was very nice and we talked about what I wanted to learn. He said we would do training everyday at 9:30am unless something came up that one of us had to attended to. I told him we spent the rest of the hour on meditation. That he wanted me to meditate once aday. Matthew then asked about the doctor and I told him about the doctor visit and that it went well. He seem to be happy with everything. He said he was sorry he had to go back to work but would make sure he made it back for dinner.
I went to the gym in the afternoon and worked very hard. I was starting to get muscles on my arms so I thought I would cut the gym down to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I didn’t want to look like I was a body builder just tone and in really great health. Maybe spent more time in the hot tub and more time with the kids outside. Maybe Mom would want to go swimming now that the weather was nice. There was no straining picking up the kids they were light as a feather. I went back to Mom’s early and asked it we could have dinner outside. Mom thought that was a great idea.
Matthew came to dinner and the staff was great giving us our dinner outside. The weather was perfect. I ask Mom if we could go swimming tomorrow and she thought that was great. I asked Matthew if he could come and he said if it is in the afternoon he might be able to make it. If nothing else taking a few hours out of the afternoon would not hurt. Mom had bought Matthew several Dad shirts in different colors that were like a t shirt but have a pouch for new born. Matthew thought they were great. he tried one on and put the baby in the pouch. They were great. Matthew changed back into his regular shirt before he went back to work.
Matthew showed up at bed time and put one of the shirts on and put the baby in the pouch. The baby seem to really like it.
Over all it was a really good day.