MON SEPTEMBER 25

I woke up a little sick to my stomach and missing Matthew. I had this feeling of impending doom. At breakfast Serena’s mom showed up with her guard. The guard sat on the other side next to Jack and then Serena’s mom sat next to him. She didn’t look at us. Mom went down there and gave her a hug. Mom told her we were so glad you are back. That made her feel better. Everyone was happy as usual but I had trouble smiling. I don’t know how long it takes to get over a loved one. Scott asked Cindy how my blood sugar was and she said it was fine. Other than crying I don’t know what else to do. I guess it takes time but I need to turn it around now. I miss coming out of the bathroom and seeing Matthew on the floor with Hunter on his back while he did his push ups. I looked at Scott and wondered when I will want another husband. The kids need a father but Scott is going to need a wife. I keep hoping I will feel ready to move forward when the twins are born. It just seems so far off. Scott is trying so hard to make me happy and feel loved. When I go back to the doctor I need to talk to her about this lack of emotions. Scott said he thought I wasn’t getting enough exercise, so he took me to the pool early and said I should do more walking. I hope it helps. Before we got out Scott took me to the deep end. I couldn’t touch the bottom and he was holding me up. He said, I have you right where I want you. I said, If you let go I will drown. He said, I would never let that happen. You know I care for you. I mean it is really more than that. I would like to marry you when you are ready. I said, you are so wonderful. It’s I am having a hard time getting over Matthew. He said, It hasn’t been that long since we got the news. I just want you to know I am here and you can talk to me about anything. I said, thankyou Scott. He said, can I kiss you? I said, not yet I need more time. He said, that’s fine. Take all the time you need. I will be here. I said, thankyou. I am really happy you are here for me and the kids. I am just in some kind of a fog and don’t know when it will go away. He said, I better get you in so you can take you nap. I smiled big at him. When I went to sleep I thought I need to laugh more. When I get up I am going to find the joke books. Maybe there is a movie or show that will make me laugh.

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 26 Mom woke me up and said it was time to get ready for breakfast. I said, I would get up in a few minutes. I shut my eyes. I just couldn’t do it. Cindy came and checked my blood sugar, blood pressure and temperature. She also said, I should get up. I went back to sleep. Scott came in and sat on the bed. He kissed me on the forehead and said, why are you not getting up? I said, I just need to sleep a little more. He said, you need to come and eat. I said, I am just not hungry right now. He put his hands under my arms and sat me up in bed. He gave me a hug. He whispered in my ear, I love you so much it kills me to see you suffer like this. He kissed me on the ear. He sat back and said, We are all hurting because we lost Matthew. Matthew brought me here when my brother and I lost our dad. He gave us a wonderful life. I wanted to cry. He said, but I can’t let you take your pain out on Skylar and Alexander. I opened my eyes. I thought he remembered their names. It was really hard not to cry. He said, I am going to stand you up, put your robe on you, put you in your chair and take you to breakfast. If you don’t eat I will take you to the hospital and have the doctor force feed you. I was thinking he right. He did what he said, putting me in the chair and took me to breakfast. He sat me next to Mom and sat on the other side of me. Paul showed up for breakfast and Scott was very happy about that. Scott handed me the orange juice and said, start with this. I took it and slowly drank it. Mom put her hand on mine and said, You will be ok. They brought me a beautiful egg omelet. I just stared at it for a few minutes. It was like I was brain dead. Not thinking about anything when Scott said, Do you need help? I look at him and said, no. I started eating. When I finished it the brain dead fog was starting to go away. I didn’t want to cry any more. I started eating my fruit bowl. Nothing tasted good but it didn’t taste bad either. I was just eating. When breakfast was over Scott said to mom, could your take care of the kids? I am going to take care of Angel today. She said, yes. We will be fine. Scott took me back to Mom’s room. I went to the bathroom and then he had me go into the bathroom and get dressed. I got back in the chair. He grabbed a bag of sweet potato chips, protein drink and blanket for my knees. He took me to the family room all the way to one end where they have tv that will play videos. He sat me on the couch putting the blanket on my lap and picked out a video. He said, we are going to watch movies today, eat snacks and talk. He put in “Airplane”. He sat next to me and put his arm across my shoulder pulling him close to me. I looked at him and said, Do you think I can ever get back to my old self? He looked at me and said, If you marry me? I smiled and said, The twins are due in January. After that we could plan our wedding. I think Mom and Carlson could take care of the paper work. He said, That’s a yes? You will marry me? I said, yes. The kids love you, Mom loves you and I love you. I would love to marry you. Scott smiled really big. He hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. He said, I will make you very happy. I will be the best husband and dad. Scott got a text from Carlson. It said Mom had texted him that Angel was have problems so he was going to take Scott off his work schedule. He asked Scott to let him know when to put him back on. Scott texted back, Thankyou. The movie started playing and we laughed a lot at the movie. By lunch I was much better. I hope It doesn’t happen again. That was tough. When those feelings came over me I couldn’t stop them. When we went in the pool Scott wanted to kiss me. I said, its going too fast for me. I need more time. He said, I understand. He continued to hug me, kiss me on the top of my head or my forehead. He like to take me to the deep end and whisper sweet things in my ear. He said, when you go to sleep tonight I want you to dream about our wedding and how much I love you. Hunter will be big enough to be a ring bearer. I looked at my ring. I could picture Matthew’s face when he asked me to marry him. I thought I am going to have to get up the courage to take it off. It will help me get over Matthew. I think I will give it to Mom. When I went to bed I tried to think about our wedding and marring Scott. I opened my eyes and there was my ring. I put that hand under my pillow so I couldn’t see it. I thought Matthew would want this. He left Scott to take care of his family. He hand picked him. So I think he would want this.

WED SEPTEMBER 27 I woke up but had not opened my eyes yet. I heard Mom talking to Scott. He said, don’t worry she will be fine. Mom left. I was laying on my right side facing toward the chair away from the bed. I felt Scott nibbling on my neck and then he whispered in my ear, Can you wake? I smiled big and said, Scott what are you doing? I was checking your pulse. I couldn’t help but smile more and said, oh, really. I opened my eyes and he said, Mom tried to wake you up. She said she couldn’t get you to wake up and she was worried. I wanted to kiss you like sleeping beauty because you are so beautiful but I didn’t want you to get mad at me. I said, I don’t remember her waking me up. He said, how do you feel? I said, Good. I slept really good last night and feel good. He said, Can you get up and go to breakfast? I said, yes. I just need to pee really bad. He said, Go pee and put on your robe. You can get dressed after breakfast. I said, ok. He helped me get out of bed and after I peed we went to breakfast. Mom had moved Serena’s mom down next to her on the other side of the table. When I saw her I smiled at her and she smiled back. She was looking good. I was hungry and the food was great. After breakfast Scott told Mom we were going to do the same thing as yesterday. I got dressed and he grabbed snacks. We went to the family room where he picked out another video. It was “Airplane 2”. He sat next to me putting his arm around me and pulling me next to him. He said, how are you doing? I said, fine. He said, I have to take care of my fiancée and the babies. I think I actually felt loved at that moment. We laughed and talked again mostly about the movie and the kids. At lunch Scott got a call from the doctor that Serena was crying and wouldn’t eat. She said, it would be good if Angel visits her. Scott told me he was taking me to see Serena after I finished eating. We went over to the hospital down stairs. They had her in my old room or cell what ever you want to call it. Scott would not go in her room so the guard took me in. Her eyes were so red because she had been crying. I noticed she had not eaten any lunch. She got out of bed when I came in and I stood up from my wheel chair and gave her best hug I could since we both had stomachs. She sat in a chair and said, she missed Jean so much it was killing her. I took her hand and said, I know. I am having a really hard time getting over Matthew. That if it was not for the kids I don’t know how I could manage. She told me on top of that I did the horrible thing taking Scott’s book and calling people. I said, I know but now you don’t want to make another mistake by not taking care of the baby. Jean would want you to take care of the baby. She said, I know. I just can’t quit crying. I said, I know I was doing that yesterday, it was so hard to eat. I said, If I come and visit every day would that help. She said, you would do that? I said, of course. We are sisters. Right? She said, yes. I said, I understand why you did what you did. You and I both know it was wrong. So from this day forward we have to do what is right. She said, You are right. If you see Scott will you tell him I am so sorry? I said, Yes. So let’s start by eating your lunch and we will talk until I have to go. I told her that I had picked out names for the baby and asked if she had picked out a name. She said, no. I said, I will bring the baby names book I used tomorrow, so you can pick out a name. You and I need to put the babies first above all else. We need to make sure they are healthy. We will only talk about positive things to keep our spirts up. She agreed. We talked while she ate and then the guard opened the door and said I had to go. I gave her another hug and said, I will see you tomorrow and don’t let me hear you have not been eating. It will so hurt me. She said, don’t worry I will do the right thing. I am so glad you came to see me. I got back in my chair and the guard took me out. Scott took me to the pool. He kept taking me around to pool and calling me his fiancée. Everything he did was up lifting and made me happy. The rest of the day was great.

THUR SEPTEMBER 28

I was trying to sleep and couldn’t. I turned facing Mom and said, are you asleep? She turned facing me and said, not yet. I said, can I talk to you? She said, yes. What about? I said, Scott wants to marry me and be a father to my children. A tear went down my cheek. Mom said, I notice that Scott cares about you and the kids a lot. I said, I feel so guilty being married to Matthew and having his children. She said, I know. But Carlson did say, he spend a large number of man hours looking for Matthew and Jean using very experienced people. Also Matthew has never been gone this long with out sending word. I said, I know but it is just so hard, I still love Matthew. She said, It has only been a couple of weeks since we got the word that he isn’t coming back. What did you say to Scott? I said, The twins are due January. After I have them I would be ready to plan a wedding and marry him. Mom said, that would be a good time because it would give you time to get over Matthew. I said, I am worried I would not be a good wife to Scott. She said, after you have the twins I think you will think different and will want the kids to have a good father. I can’t look Scott in the eye with this ring on. Every time I look at the ring I picture Matthew asking me to marry him. She said, you are going to have to take it off if you are going to get over Matthew. I said, I know but this is so hard. She said, I know. I miss him also. I took my hand and removed the ring. I said, I want you to have it. I handed her the ring. She took the ring and looked at it. She said, are you sure? I said, Maybe it will help me start getting over Matthew. It was the best day in my life when he asked me to marry him and I need to find someway to put it behind me. She said, do you mind if I wear it just for tonight? I said, no. If you want it would be fine with me. She said, thankyou. I will always cherish it. She put it on her finger. She said, I hope you can find some way to get passed this because you couldn’t ask for a better man than Scott. I think Matthew would be happy to know his wife and kids are being looked after by Scott. I said, I think the same thing. Thankyou for talking to me about this. She said, if you need to talk again let me know. She turned over and we went to sleep. In the morning I got up and got dressed. Scott came to get us to take us to breakfast. He push my chair up to the table. He was sitting in his chair when he notice my ring was gone. He stared at my hand for a few seconds. I looked at him and he smiled really big at me. After lunch I took the baby names book and the joke books to Serena. We had a good visit. I showed her the Mr. Ed show and the Adams family show. She told me she need more clothes and I told her I would tell Mom. I also told her her mom was eating with us. She was happy about that. I told her when she picks out a name for the baby I would tell her mom. The rest of the day was mostly spent playing with the kids. Wyatt is getting so jealous of Hunter getting any attention from me or Scott. In the pool Scott said, he noticed I needed a ring on my finger and said when I am ready he will go pick one out for me. He was thinking of a gold band. I said, that sounded nice. The day was good.

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